Funk-ed up retail. Yay or Nay?

It has been brought to my attention that I suck at blogging regularly. You're all correct, and I apologize profusely for my lack of dedication to my craft. It's not that I don't want to tell you the sordid details of my existence, it's more the number of people I could potentially piss off if I was honest about all of the crazy shit that happens in my life.

I've been told that I should start a blog about my work. Not necessarily about what I do on a daily basis, because I don't want to bore you with my tales of standing around aimlessly, hiding my venti caramel macchiato from my manager and texting anyone who will entertain me when no one is looking, but rather about all of the strange incidents that occur within the walls of Bloomies.

I'll give you a little taste of the weird, strange, and downright disgusting, and you tell me if you'd like to hear more, and I will incorporate "Funk-ed Up Retail" into my daily (yeah, right) bloggings.

And away we go...

One of the first eye-opening experiences I had was learning about the going-ons of the men's bathroom on my floor. Believe me folks, its not your typical public restroom (or maybe it is, depending on what you're in the bathroom for). There's a website for men looking for anonymous gay sex. It's called cruisingforsex.com, and it's chock full of interesting (public) places to find a glory hole or two. Taken directly from the website, this is the add for the men's bathroom on the first floor of Bloomingdale's:

>> Lenox Square, 3393 Peachtree Road NE, Buckhead. Cruisy toilet in Bloomingdale's mens department. Add Comments

New comments added September, 2009:
"Easy to suck a cock through the toilet paper holder between the stalls."

It's gross, yes, but I guess it's the nature of the beast. After all, I do work at Lenox.

Next, there's "Coke Girl." Apparently, she works at Aveda in the mall, and every day she saunters through our department to use the restroom. Not a problem because our bathroom is often inhabited by mall employees whose stores don't have a private restroom, and there are plenty of people who take advantage of our clean (minus the men's room, of course) facilities. Blonde stringy hair and a 24-inch waist actually weren't what gave her away as a cokehead. It was her schedule. Everyday, like clockwork, she makes four to five visits to the bathroom, walking like a woman on a mission, head down, avoiding eye contact (so of course I choose to stare at her and shake my head disapprovingly). One day I follow her into the bathroom to witness her routine: Pee, flush, (wait for it) snort. Did I just hear her do a bump? I verified the story with a coworker who said she heard the same series of events. Awesome. Sex in the men's room, cocaine in the women's. Classy establishment we're running.

Shortly after the discovery of Coke Girl came (no pun intended) an incident of underage public sex in the Polo fitting room. Overheard by a customer, two 14-year-old white trash children were exploring exhibitionism, and not very quietly. Our 6'7", 350lb, ex-college football playing security guard politely escorted them out of the store. Housekeeping immediately went about sanitizing the entire fitting room, but I'd still avoid the third stall if I were you.

I once walked into the restroom and witnessed a homeless woman sitting on the counter washing her feet in the sink. Numerous times I've seen dog-owners let their maltipoos and puggles (and whatever other ridiculous miniature hybrid dogs exist) shit on the floor and then just walk away as if its perfectly commonplace to let someone else step in your dog's feces. I've been asked "where yo' boyfriend at?" more times than I can remember. I once helped a male customer into a fitting room, and he (intentionally) closed the door and started changing with me still in the room. I've met more creeps, jerks, douche bags, and assholes in the last five months than I did my entire four years at the University of Georgia (and that's saying something).

Above and beyond all of the crazy and weird is just the day-to-day activities that keep me wondering why the fuck I do this job. So if you want to hear more, let me know.